Roadhog's one and only
by Michael McDoesn'texist
Summary: A short story filled to the brim with genuine romance. Literature at its finest. (Ok, no not at all)


**_Warning! This story is not for the faint of heart! Loss of braincells is inevitable! After reading this story you'll never get into college anymore. Cuz you'll be as dumb as a brick! And you might have copied some of the offensive shit said here... What, you don't care? Oh ok then..._**

* * *

It was quite a beautiful day in Watchpoint Gibraltar. All the members of Overwatch were just hanging around and enjoying the little things in life, such as the nice weather, the calm and soothing chirping of the birds and blowing Mei's brains out with a sawed-off shotgun because FUCK MEI AND FUCK WHOEVER CAME UP WITH HER!

It was at this beautiful moment that Roadhog was stuffing his face with food in the cafeteria. Then suddenly he decided he had to lift his fat ass for once and go for a walk or something like that. And so he did.

 _ **The End**_

Ok, that was a little too short...

Whilst walking/running/jogging, whatever, use your imagination, he came across some of his teammates.

Reaper and Lucio were sitting on a rock, talking about something. Probably black guy stuff.

Bastion was feeding a couple of birds. Behind him was Junkrat, who stuck a grenade in Bastion's neck. A couple of seconds later Bastion fucking exploded and Junkrat yelled: "PRANKED!", after which he moonwalked back to base. Can people with peg legs moonwalk? Fuck if I know...

Zenyatta tried to meditate, but it wasn't easy for him because Torbjörn was building some useless shit right next to him. Later when Roadhog turned around to look one more time he noticed that device was being shoved up Torbjörn's ass by Zenyatta. So far up that it came back through his throat.

That was when Roadhog heard it. A soft, girly giggle.

"Ah, zhe wonders of human anatomy. It is quite something isn't it Mako?"

Roadhog stopped dead in his tracks and looked to his right. There he could see...

"AW JESUS CHRIST!" Roadhog yelled and he averted his eyes from the window next to him, through which he could clearly see Reinhardt getting changed.

Then he turned his head to the left and saw the one who just said that one thing to him. Remember? About human anatomy? That one line of dialogue you just read seconds ago? Yeah? Ok, ok, moving on.

How could he have missed her? He always thought about her. When eating food, when taking this one walk/run/jog, whilst masturbating in the sack, whenever!

Sitting on the stone right next to him was Mercy. Suddenly it seemed like time was slowing down, which was probably due to the machine that was shoved in Torbjörn's ass.

It seemed like the heaven's opened up and angels started singing. What Roadhog didn't know was that that meant that Tracer was cumming very hard in the nearest base after being banged by Zarya, so hard that the cum sprayed everywhere and that she moaned so hard of pleasure that people in Central and South America thought some old Mayan God came to destroy them all.

Then it hit him. She just asked him a question. SHIT THAT MEANT HE HAD TO SAY SOMETHING BACK! HOW WAS HE SUPOSSED TO DO THAT I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S A FUCKING PIG MONSTER WHO KILLS PEOPLE FOR A LIVING AND SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING AND OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO HARD AND INTENSE AND

"Dude, she's already gone." Genji said.

Roadhog screamed like a little girl and probably relaxed his anus muscles a bit, with not-so-nice results for his pants.

Genji examined Roadhog for a couple of seconds and then said: "Are ya trying to fix the Doctor Roadhog?"

"Well, uhm, you see..." Roadhog began, but Genji shushed him.

"I already thought so. Lucky for you, both me and Hanzo are like the fucking kings of seduction man! OI HANZO!"

All of the sudden a portal appeared and Hanzo jumped out, along with some old guy with blue hair.

"Y-Yeah, see ya next time *urp* random Asian dude I probably wont remember in the morning. Come on Morty w-w-we g-gotta get going!"

The portal closed and Hanzo turned to Roadhog and Genji. "You called?" He asked.

"Yup." Genji pointed at Roadhog. "This guy, yeah, this guy, you'll never guess what..."

All of the sudden Hanzo pulled out his Hanzbow and yelled: **"** **RYUGA WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!"**

Then a huge fucking dragon came out of nowhere and completely wrecked Roadhog.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOOK-EYED MORON?" Genji yelled.

"Sorry, I thought I needed to kill him!" Hanzo said.

"God damnit Hanzo. I'll never talk to you again!" Genji said, but because they are related, he forgave him a second later and said: "Ok so as I was saying, Roadhog is trying to get some of dat Mercy ass, you know what I'm saying?"

"Ah, I see." Hanzo replied. "And now we have to give him some advice on how to get some?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

"..."

"So are we gonna do that now or what?"

"I dunno."

"Wanna watch Beavis and Butthead?"

"Sure."

They then grabbed a jetpack and flew away to the nearest television set.

* * *

 _3 fricking hours later lol_

* * *

Roadhog was asleep in his bed. Hanzo and Genji were standing next to him. Mercy came in and said: "You guys watch him ok? I have to go out and do random stuff nobody really cares about!"

"Yeah yeah, sure Mercy, fuck off!" Genji said and nonchalantly threw a shuriken in her direction and against his own expectations, hit her right in her face.

"Shit, now we gotta revive her as well!" Hanzo said.

"K." Genji said and pulled Mercy's staff right out of nowhere.

* * *

 _'Nother 3 hours later. Wow! Storytelling!_

* * *

Roadhog slowly opened his eyes. He felt his head bang, mostly because of the loud music that was being played in the background.

"God damnit, I hate Skrillex. Who the fuck even listens to that guys music nowadays?" He said out loud.

"Don't worry!" Genji said and Roadhog screamed like a little girl again and he also relaxed his anus muscles again.

"Nobody listens to that guy, it's just background music here!" Hanzo said.

They were currently in some kind of club.

"How the fuck did you guys get me here?" Roadhog asked?

"Magic!" Genji said.

"And also the help of everybody else in Overwatch."

Roadhog looked around and noticed that everybody was in the same bar. Pharah was playing cards with Zenyatta and Symmetra, Reaper was having a drink with Soldier: 76 and Winston, Widowmaker was getting to second base with Reinhardt and Lucio was dancing to the beat with everybody else because why not?

Only Mercy was on her own, sitting in a corner. When Roadhog saw her, time slowed down again because someone slapped Torbjörn's ass which caused the machine to be activated again.

"'Ey, concentrate Roadhog!" Hanzo said and he snapped his fingers in front of Roadhog's face. He shook his head and turned back to Genji and Hanzo.

"Now, pay very close attention!" Hanzo said. He turned to the crowd of dancers and looked around. "Target aquired." He said.

Then he pulled out an assault rifle, stepped over to Sombra and forced her on her knees whilst keeping the gun pointed at her head.

"NOW YOU'RE COMING WITH ME BITCH OR ELSE...!" He screamed. "Oooooh yes Hanzo, you're so fiesty!" Sombra said and started sucking his cock right then and there.

Genji walked over to Hanzo and grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Wow wow, Hanzo, hang on man! Look, I admire your style, but it's a bit aggressive. Let me show Roadhog how it's really done!"

Genji then turned to D. Va and whistled at her. D. Va looked at him and he yelled at her: "EY D. VA! NICE DUMPLINGS YOU GO THERE!"

D. Va then jumped straight in his arms and they started making out furiously. Roadhog examined the situations closely and took notes in a small notebook. Then he realised it was absolutely insane.

"How the fuck is this going to help me get the one woman I truly like?" He asked. Hanzo pushed Sombra away from him a bit and said: "We don't fucking know, we know nothing about picking up women!"

"But then how...?"

"Well Sombra and D. Va are just whores, everybody knows that!" Genji said. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take D. Va to the bathroom now and **RYUJIN NO KEN WO KURAE** her pussy until there's nothing left!" and with that, he grabbed the jetpack again and flew off. So did Hanzo by the way.

"Bollocks." Roadhog said.

"Oi! Profanity!" Tracer said. Roadhog yelled like a little girl, shat himself and then turned around.

"I've been watching you blokes this entire time." Tracer said. "And whatever you're trying to achieve, you're only going to get with one thing Roadhog."

Roadhog looked at the tiny British girl and asked: "Is it some generic bullshit like 'be yourself' and that kind of stuff?"

"No you wankstain! Ok maybe, but..."

Then Roadhog hooked her and shot her in her stomach with his gun.

He then decided it was time.

The man walked to the table where Mercy was. She looked up at him and Roadhog tried not to get lost in her eyes. Thank god he stole Hanzo's compass before he flew off with Sombra.

"Hi there Mako! How are you doing?" She asked.

Roadhog gulped, coughed and then muttered: "I'm fine, you?"

"A bit bored, honestly. Zhese bars aren't my cup of tea. Zhe music is a bit too loud, it's hot and nothing special really happens."

Roadhog was barely paying attention. He was focused on two things: Mercy's divine figure and trying to be himself.

"Yeah... same here" he said.

Mercy turned more towards him and asked: "Say Roadhog, now that we're both alone here, why don't you tell me some..."

"BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME!" Roadhog yelled.

"TAKE ME NOW!" Mercy yelled and then kinky sex happened.

 ** _The End. For real now._**

* * *

 ** _I'm sorry. Ok, I'm not actually, you kept reading. Idiot ;)_**


End file.
